the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
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