I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
i think my cat just said my name.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
