i need an iv and a liver transplant
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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