Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
