Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
