Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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