I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Randomize
