yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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