It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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