census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
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