Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
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