So drunk its hurt
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Randomize
