On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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