Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
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