meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
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