I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I want a musical about memes.
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