I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
