I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
