Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Randomize
