don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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