Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
