I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
