he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
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