I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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