So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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