The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
