i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize