It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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