Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
