I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize