I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
