remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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