the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
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