just come out here and I will go home with you...
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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