Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
You can't just leave with hair like that
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
