Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
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