no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Randomize
