I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
