i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
The air taste purple.
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