God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
