No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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