never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
