I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
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