i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
and you said cock pushups were impossible
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Oh god it's open bar.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
