I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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