I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
We left the knife in your bed.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Randomize
