It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
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