All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
