there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
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