I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Randomize
