I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
