this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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