I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I heard we made out
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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