you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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