she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize