Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Randomize
