Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
