I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Randomize
