Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
