Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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