ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
